It's been ages since my last post. Things have been busy!

I suppose the first thing to mention is that I had my check up on the 4th August. I saw the lady doctor and one of the nurses I hadn't seen since the start of my treatment and we spent most of the time talking about getting married. The actual doctor stuff took literally two minutes...

"How do you feel?"
"Okay but tired."
"Tiredness can last up to two years after chemo so that's normal. Any other problems?"
"No."
"Great, let's have a quick feel of your neck... That's fine. So tell me about your wedding......"

Apparently, I can transfer my follow up care to London if I want but I don't have to. That was one thing I was worried about. I've had everything in the same place with the same people and I really didn't want to have to move to another hospital but apparently they have people come over from abroad for follow ups so it's not a problem for me to stay. And I'm now only going back every 4 months so it's easy enough. We talked weddings for a while, then the doctor mentioned that I should ask Dr B about contraception/having babies and that was pretty much it.

Yesterday though, I got an appointment card through to see Dr B on the 27th August, which freaked me out a bit, but I think it's probably either that they forgot to get me to have a blood test (in which case I'll just get them to post the form out) or that they want to talk about the baby stuff. I'll ring and ask on Monday. It's a bit cruel of them just to post me an appointment with no explanation!

Apart from medical stuff, I've been quite busy at work. There was a big manga event this week which went really well and I've been sorting out future events too. What's sad is that I'm now planning events for after I've left so I'm making sure to write everything down properly for whoever takes over. We've booked the civil ceremony for Friday 17th October so I've just handed in my notice - I'm leaving on the 20th September. Hopefully that day should be good cos it's the release date for a long awaited book - Brisingr by Christopher Paolini - so I intend to go out with a bang and do a great launch party.

On Monday this week, Arif and I went to Dave and Shaper's civil wedding and reception. They're Muslims and did the Islamic wedding stuff ages ago but they've just made it all legal. It was lovely and gave us loads of ideas. In fact, they got married in the register office where we're getting married and we LOVED where they had the reception so I think we're just gonna copy the whole lot. We actually spoke to the restaurant as we were leaving the reception and it all sounds perfect. I'm just waiting for Arif to arrive now so maybe we'll try and sort it all out today or tomorrow before he goes back home.

Right, must go and do something like laze around doing nothing

Rach x

Happy News

This one is for Veronica. Okay so maybe I'd already written it and just forgotten to publish it but still!

Here goes...

I'm engaged! It may come as a surprise to you but it's true, Rachel is engaged. To a real man and everything.

In case you don't know, his name is Arif and he's from London. He's lovely lovely lovely. We actually met through the Hodge forum, so yes, it's a sad internet thing! Such geeks.

Arif had Hodgkin's too and had similar treatment to me, though we didn't know each other while we were going through it all. We started talking once it was over and we were both trying to get back to normal. He really helped me sort things out in my head. The best thing about it all is that if I hadn't had the Hodge, I never would have met him so it makes it all seem worthwhile. I'm really happy, happier than I've been for years. Oh, and I have a lovely diamond on my finger which helps a bit with that!

The only bad thing is that Arif lives in London where he has a great job and I live in Preston where I have a job that I love but which pays peanuts. I don't even really like peanuts. Sooo there isn't really a decision to be made about which one of us moves; I'm moving to London. I hate having to leave my job, especially as I would soon have been given the children's section to look after, which is what I have been working towards for years. We don't want to wait to get married though so I'll soon be leaving my perfect job. It's for the best reason though and I have been told that if I want to transfer to a London branch, it shouldn't be a problem, which is nice to hear.

Anyway, we got officially engaged on the 5th July so I've had a fiancé for over a week now. It feels good (and grown up!).

Rach x

Normal

Normal? NORMAL? What on earth? Why not beautiful? Or sexy? Or just downright lovely?

My oncologist says I'm NORMAL. Huh.

Well, I guess that's good news actually. My 'CT scan performed on 11.06.08 was normal'. Huff.

Shouldn't complain.

Rach x

Scanxiety

Firstly, no results from my CT yet. No big deal.

I don't normally suffer from scanxiety but yesterday I had a horrible taste of what it's like. I don't worry about my own scans because I know I've been feeling okay and I just don't really think about it - it's just a normal appointment for me. In fact, I normally worry more when I go to see my GP than when I see Dr B. But yesterday, Arif went to see his onc to get the results of his recent CT. It's so much harder when it's somebody else!

I knew, rationally, that he was probably fine - he hadn't been feeling unwell and had no symptoms or anything, and for the few days beforehand I was fine about it. But when I knew he was on his way to his appointment, I was so scared. When it's somebody else, I think it's natural to feel that they'll be fine - I certainly feel that if one of us was going to relapse, it would be me, and that's the way I prefer it - but just for that half an hour beforehand, I was petrified. And of course I couldn't really say anything about it because admitting that might seem like I thought the results were going to be bad, which I didn't but I was just so scared in case they were. I'm getting myself a bit confused now!

Anyway, of course Arif's results were fine, as I knew they would be. But I did get a taste of how all the families and friends of those of us who have or had the Hodge feel around scan time. It's not pleasant!

Rach x

I had my CT on Wednesday as planned. Now that was a seriously long day (by my standards anyway!). At work for 08.30, finish at 17.00, nip home to change into big knickers (gotta be careful when you're wearing a hospital gown and climbing up onto beds!), quick bite to eat and off to the hospital for the scan, then back to work by 19.10 for an event with an author, home by about 21.15. I was sooo tired that night.

The scan went as usual - easy enough. The lady who set up the cannula and injected me with the contrast stuff was really nice and chatty, so I asked her why some people have to drink gross stuff before an abdominal scan but I don't. When Grandma was having scans of her abdomen a few years ago, she had to drink it but I don't - am I special? No, it turns out that I'm not special.

Apparently, they used to make people drink it cos it's a contrast thing that shows up what's inside you, BUT some people were having chemo and couldn't stomach it so the doctors just used to say drink plain water instead, and they found that they could still see stuff just as well. And others were nil by mouth so they couldn't even drink water and they found that drinking nothing didn't really make a difference either, so the department made the decision that it wasn't worth making anybody drink anything unless specifically requested by the doctors. Fine by me, thanks!

I won't get official results (unless there's something wrong and I'm called in sooner) until my onc appointment on the 28th July but I'll see if I can get some unofficial ones at the beginning of next week. Fingers crossed for me please!

Rach x

CT Scan

Just a quickie to say that I have a CT scan booked for 6.30pm (after work) on Wednesday. Thankfully, where I have the scan they don't make you drink anything yukky. I have no idea why some people have to drink contrast stuff and I don't even though I'm getting my abdomen scanned as well as my neck and chest but I don't really care! Official results will be on the 28th July when I have my onc appointment but I should hear something unofficial as soon as it has been reported by radiology.

Rach x

This cancer card lasts forever, damnit

This is a rant so you should probably stop reading now!

As the title says, this cancer card lasts forever. Yeah so mostly I may say that I'm over the whole cancer thing and I may be 'better' and I don't really get worried about stuff like scans, blood tests etc, but this cancer thing is for life and I've never denied that. There has to be a silver lining somewhere and mine is the CANCER CARD, damn you, and you're NOT taking that away from me.

What do you think when you get a cough? Do you worry that the tumour in your chest is back and making you cough again, or do you think ooh time to get out the cough medicine to ease my poor poor tickly throat? When you get a cold, do you worry that there's something dodgy going on in your immune system again, making you unable to fight off simple bugs, or do you think ahhh time for some Kleenex Ultrabalm and a fluffy blanket and a day in bed? If you feel tired and achey, do you wonder if it's a symptom of something sinister or do you think you must've had a busy week at work? Can you guess which ones I think, which ones I'm SUPPOSED to think? For the rest of my life I'll be on high alert for symptoms and clues. You don't know how easy you have it. So, I have a cancer card, it's still valid and it's valid for the rest of my life. You're not taking that away!

Rant over.

A gentle reminder of something I said ages ago, this is my personal journal. If you don't like what you read, tough. And don't discuss it with me, I don't want to know what you think unless you want to heap praise or support on me. Thanks.

Rach x