Thursday, 28 January 2010

I'm sooooo tired, permanently! You know that being a mum is going to be hard, you know you won't get a proper night's sleep for weeks on end, you even kind of know you'll turn into a loon who automatically pats her husband on the back to burp him when he hugs you, but you still aren't prepared for what being a mum actually involves, at least I wasn't. I get very grumpy sometimes and my lovely husband puts up with it and even pretends that I've not been mean when actually I could reduce a hardened hitman to tears. I'm lucky to have him. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am, how lucky we both are. We have a beautiful healthy daughter and that is something many couples don't ever get to experience, even the ones who haven't had treatment for cancer. When Leyla smiles, or does a huge man-burp or when she bites my finger and I discover the tiny sharp point of her first tooth, that's when I know how lucky I really am. When she wakes me at 4am, I sometimes forget that!

Another way in which I'm very lucky is that I have a husband who is able to provide for us so well. I've just decided that I won't be going back to work in May, when my maternity allowance ends. Instead, I'm going to be a work-at-home mum and make baby things and headscarves from home. It won't make me rich but it will hopefully be some pocket money for me. I should add here that I'm very proud of Arif as he recently got promoted at work. He's worked really hard for it and deserves it completely, and what he's done recently must have been extra hard because he gets woken in the night. Clever man!

The decision not to work, at least while Leyla is little, has cheered me up so much. I feel a lot lighter now, if that makes sense, and also more free. It also means that I feel more capable of turning my thoughts to our future as a family. I know that by most people's standards, Leyla's birth was a relatively easy business but it left me feeling pretty awful. Nothing went how I wanted it to and I barely even remember holding Leyla or any of the nice stuff, I just remember lots of pain and an awful lot of screaming. Then Leyla was jaundiced and too sleepy to feed properly so I feel incredibly guilty for not breastfeeding for more than a few weeks. I know people say not to feel bad but I do, and I also miss it a lot. It's such a nice thing to be able to do and I wish I had tried harder to make it work for us. And Leyla having to go back to hospital just after we went home was pretty miserable. Because of all that, after she was born I had weird panic attacks like when I was having chemo. Yuk! Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be whining. What I wanted to say was that I now feel better about thinking about having more children later on. I wouldn't want Leyla to be an only child, I can't imagine what it would be like without my sisters.

Leyla is now sleeping so I should really go and do some housework before she wakes and wants feeding or playing with. I have a huge pile of washing to sort (it literally is about four feet high, grrr). Fun fun fun!

Rach x

Friday, 2 October 2009


The Hodgkin's world is in mourning for Adrienne. Her family made the heartbreaking decision to take her off the ventilator yesterday. I can't imagine ever having to make that decision for anybody, let alone your child.

Adrienne fought long and hard and gave the Hodge everything she had and more, supported by her loving family and friends. Both Adrienne and her family, especially her mum Alison, are and always will be a huge inspiration to people all over the world.

There isn't anything to say to make this better. It isn't fair. The only thing to do is to give your loved ones an extra hug and be grateful for every day that we have.

Rach x

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

I am soooooooo tired. Babies are hard work.

I'm not getting dressed today. And maybe not tomorrow.

R x

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Leyla Rose Khan arrived on the 12th September and weighed an impressive 9lb 1oz.

She has a lot of hair, which has not turned out ginger unfortunately, but she does have very pretty dark blue eyes for now. Apparently she has my chin (or chinS as my lovely husband pointed out!) and she has Arif's mouth. She's very cute and quite a good baby so far.

This is when she was fairly freshly squeezed:

We also think she looks very like my sister Nikki did as a baby. Not sure if that's a good thing or not... sorry Nik!

This is baby Nik and me:

The first few days were a bit stressful with the little madam not wanting to feed enough and ending up dehydrated and a bit jaundiced so we ended up back in hospital but that soon sorted itself out and she doesn't stop eating now. We also have a weird blood thing going on because my blood group is O+ and she's A, which means that my antibodies have started to break down her blood or something. It's called ABO incompatability. It will resolve itself in a month or so, but she'll be having a few blood tests just to keep an eye on her and we're giving her extra folic acid. She's just about to start screaming like a dinosaur for food so I'd better go!

Rach x

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

Full Moon?

Baby is due tomorrow! I'm not really feeling any different though. I keep getting Braxton Hicks but they're not painful so they don't really mean anything. I have read that more women go into labour when there's a full moon... and Friday is the full moon so maybe she'll decide to make an appearance then. I'm not sure if there's any truth in the full moon stuff but if the moon can affect the sea, maybe it does affect the water in your body and the baby is surrounded by amniotic fluid so who knows? Fingers crossed! I have a GP appointment on Friday too.

I'm soooo tired! Time for a nap I think.

Rach x

Sunday, 30 August 2009

Prayers/good vibes/love for Adrienne

Just a quick request. I don't know if anybody still reads this blog but if you're out there, please pray for or send good vibes or love or whatever it is you do for Adrienne. She's not doing very well. See her blog here -

Adrienne has fought Hodgkin's for a long time now. She (and her family) are an inspiration to everyone out there who is fighting or who has fought this horrible disease. It's not fair that somebody should fight it for so much of their life and then have to go through what is happening now. So please, prayers/vibes/love to Adrienne.

Rach x

Friday, 28 August 2009

It's getting scary now; baby is due in less than a week, although something like 80% of babies are overdue so I'll not hold my breath. I think I've got everything ready - baby clothes are all washed and ironed (let's face it, that's the only time they're EVER going to meet the iron!), the cot and moses basket are in place, the pram is ready and waiting in the hallway. I've got loads of nappies (woo!) and baby toiletries and the baby's room is pretty and tidy. Shame the rest of the flat isn't tidy but I've read that newborns can't focus on things more than 20cm away so she won't care.

I feel huge though I don't seem to have got much bigger in the last week or two, which is nice. I can't turn myself over in bed without holding onto the headboard though! And I've given up trying to wash my feet. I normally just soak them clean in a nice warm bath, but tonight Arif actually washed them for me, which was sweet of him.

It's Ramadan so Arif is fasting at the moment, which means he gets up at 4am to eat before the fast starts at about 4.30am. Poor man then tries to get back to sleep, only to wake up again at 7.30am to go to work on the hot and sweaty tube. And there's no drinking allowed either, not even water. And it's summer so the days are long. He is allowed to eat at about 8pm. I don't know how people manage it. I'm obviously not fasting because I'm pregnant but I admit that I'm really glad I'm not. I do get up to make him breakfast at 4am... trying to be a good wifey! I try not to eat and drink too much in front of him, but I still feel a bit guilty. And as well as the lack of food, there's also a lot of tiredness to contend with. Getting up at 4am ruins a good night's sleep!

I'm not sure how things will go when the baby arrives. Ramadan lasts a month, so Arif will be fasting until about the 20th September. Hopefully I'll be okay at looking after the baby overnight so Arif can get enough sleep. I'm sure that fasting plus a newborn is not a good recipe for well rested parents!!!

Arif is asleep now. He fell asleep while I was watching The Tudors (for the historical stuff, obviously. I close my eyes at all the crude bits) but I'm achey and not tired enough to sleep yet. Maybe a warm bath will help. Good idea me. I'm off for a bath!


Rach x