Another way in which I'm very lucky is that I have a husband who is able to provide for us so well. I've just decided that I won't be going back to work in May, when my maternity allowance ends. Instead, I'm going to be a work-at-home mum and make baby things and headscarves from home. It won't make me rich but it will hopefully be some pocket money for me. I should add here that I'm very proud of Arif as he recently got promoted at work. He's worked really hard for it and deserves it completely, and what he's done recently must have been extra hard because he gets woken in the night. Clever man!
The decision not to work, at least while Leyla is little, has cheered me up so much. I feel a lot lighter now, if that makes sense, and also more free. It also means that I feel more capable of turning my thoughts to our future as a family. I know that by most people's standards, Leyla's birth was a relatively easy business but it left me feeling pretty awful. Nothing went how I wanted it to and I barely even remember holding Leyla or any of the nice stuff, I just remember lots of pain and an awful lot of screaming. Then Leyla was jaundiced and too sleepy to feed properly so I feel incredibly guilty for not breastfeeding for more than a few weeks. I know people say not to feel bad but I do, and I also miss it a lot. It's such a nice thing to be able to do and I wish I had tried harder to make it work for us. And Leyla having to go back to hospital just after we went home was pretty miserable. Because of all that, after she was born I had weird panic attacks like when I was having chemo. Yuk! Anyway, I wasn't supposed to be whining. What I wanted to say was that I now feel better about thinking about having more children later on. I wouldn't want Leyla to be an only child, I can't imagine what it would be like without my sisters.
Leyla is now sleeping so I should really go and do some housework before she wakes and wants feeding or playing with. I have a huge pile of washing to sort (it literally is about four feet high, grrr). Fun fun fun!